So apparently, it's Spring. The near-immediate changing of the seasons was quite a pleasant surprise (yet simultaneously, somewhat disturbing…80 degrees in March? Global warming anyone?). A couple weeks ago we had a snowstorm and now it's 80 degrees and sunny. Maybe that's life's way of telling me that when you're in a rut and your outlook is pretty bleak, it can turn around…when you're least expecting it to.
I bought myself a Hyacinth. It's extremely fragrant!
I'm not going to lie, the winter kind of sucked. I spent the majority of it adjusting to my new job, to my new city, to my new life here, while mourning the loss of my relationship and, even more, the person I was when we were together. Because let's face it, when you're with someone for that long (okay, only 3 years, but still a large part of my adult life) you begin to define yourself in terms of who you are in the relationship. As much as you maintain your own identity, there's still a part of you (big or small) that's defined by your significant other. It's not necessarily a bad thing — isn't it natural? "I" becomes "We" and "Me" becomes "Us". As much as you try and retain who you are in the relationship, you're going to feel slightly unstable, insecure, unsure for a little while after you break up. It's inevitable.
Going through these emotions while adjusting to living here, in my own apartment, in a new city with a new job and responsibilities was a bit overwhelming. I honestly felt like a ghost at times, not really all there, just kind of drifting in and out of consciousness. Sometimes it felt like a dream, like I had been transplanted to this new life, with the ability to wake up at any given moment and return to the familiar confines of my all-too-recent past: college, my relationship, my parent's house.
So how did I deal with these emotions? Like any rational adult would: by withdrawing, watching 3-4 chick flicks per weekend plus a Sex and the City marathon for good measure, with a bag of frozen chocolate chips, all on my insanely uncomfortable couch. I'm convinced the more uncomfortable your couch is, the more you're bound to eat on it. If it can't provide you with comfort, then snacks certainly will.
Couch of Death
Well in honor of the changing seasons and the sunnier days, I threw out my awful couch over the weekend. It was really crappy, and I should never have bought it in the first place. My ex put it together for me. The logical thing to do would have been to take it apart and then throw it out, but after buying a new one and having it delivered in a mere 24 hours, I wanted it out as soon as possible. Who knows where I got the arm strength (I'm a runner, after all) but I somehow singlehandedly dragged it out my apartment, down the hall, into the elevator and out to the dumpster by myself. If that doesn't mean I'm an empowered, self-sufficient woman,
I don't know what does it means the couch was truly a poorly constructed piece of crap.
I also dealt with the breakup by running. By running a lot. I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore– literally. Running was there for me until it wasn't. I injured my calf by overdoing it with the long runs and increasing my speed and up until now I've avoided running, about a month and a half later. It is getting better and I'm even able to run a little bit each week but it's definitely still not recovered yet.
I think not being able to run, however painful it was to deal with, has helped put a lot in perspective for me. I could no longer use it as a crutch, which I had been doing for far too long. I suddenly had time. Lots of it. Time I could spend either a) wallowing in self-pity and moping around or b) living my life.
So, as much as I avoided it at first, I chose option b. I started doing more things with my co-workers (who I adore). I joined an online dating site to see what could come of it and have been on several dates (not sure if this is more symptomatic of my remaining post-breakup psychoses or my newfound liberating view on life, but I choose the latter). So far I've made one friend and feel a spark with someone else. I even had my first blogger "meet up" with my new friend Rachael and we're getting together again this weekend!
So where does all this leave me now?
I'm hopeful. More content, more secure within myself. I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of my job, or at the very least, messing up a little less. Or maybe I'm just being less critical of myself and not catastrophizing my missteps, which is fine too. My life's not perfect, far from it. Whose is? I still feel lost at times and sometimes that dream-like state comes creeping back in…but I'm pretty sure that's pretty typical of your early 20's. Mid-life crises are overrated. I'm pretty sure quarter-life crises are where it's at. Except no one my age has the extra cash lying around to spend on a ferrari or a spouse to divorce for someone much younger and hotter… or anything of the like to prove it… minus a few dramatized blog entries, that is.
- Do you ever feel/have you ever felt like a ghost in your own life?
- Did you mourn for anything this winter? Are you hopeful for anything this spring?