So apparently, it's Spring. The near-immediate changing of the seasons was quite a pleasant surprise (yet simultaneously, somewhat disturbing…80 degrees in March? Global warming anyone?). A couple weeks ago we had a snowstorm and now it's 80 degrees and sunny. Maybe that's life's way of telling me that when you're in a rut and your outlook is pretty bleak, it can turn around…when you're least expecting it to.
I bought myself a Hyacinth. It's extremely fragrant!
I'm not going to lie, the winter kind of sucked. I spent the majority of it adjusting to my new job, to my new city, to my new life here, while mourning the loss of my relationship and, even more, the person I was when we were together. Because let's face it, when you're with someone for that long (okay, only 3 years, but still a large part of my adult life) you begin to define yourself in terms of who you are in the relationship. As much as you maintain your own identity, there's still a part of you (big or small) that's defined by your significant other. It's not necessarily a bad thing — isn't it natural? "I" becomes "We" and "Me" becomes "Us". As much as you try and retain who you are in the relationship, you're going to feel slightly unstable, insecure, unsure for a little while after you break up. It's inevitable.
Going through these emotions while adjusting to living here, in my own apartment, in a new city with a new job and responsibilities was a bit overwhelming. I honestly felt like a ghost at times, not really all there, just kind of drifting in and out of consciousness. Sometimes it felt like a dream, like I had been transplanted to this new life, with the ability to wake up at any given moment and return to the familiar confines of my all-too-recent past: college, my relationship, my parent's house.
So how did I deal with these emotions? Like any rational adult would: by withdrawing, watching 3-4 chick flicks per weekend plus a Sex and the City marathon for good measure, with a bag of frozen chocolate chips, all on my insanely uncomfortable couch. I'm convinced the more uncomfortable your couch is, the more you're bound to eat on it. If it can't provide you with comfort, then snacks certainly will.
Couch of Death
Well in honor of the changing seasons and the sunnier days, I threw out my awful couch over the weekend. It was really crappy, and I should never have bought it in the first place. My ex put it together for me. The logical thing to do would have been to take it apart and then throw it out, but after buying a new one and having it delivered in a mere 24 hours, I wanted it out as soon as possible. Who knows where I got the arm strength (I'm a runner, after all) but I somehow singlehandedly dragged it out my apartment, down the hall, into the elevator and out to the dumpster by myself. If that doesn't mean I'm an empowered, self-sufficient woman, I don't know what does it means the couch was truly a poorly constructed piece of crap.
I also dealt with the breakup by running. By running a lot. I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore– literally. Running was there for me until it wasn't. I injured my calf by overdoing it with the long runs and increasing my speed and up until now I've avoided running, about a month and a half later. It is getting better and I'm even able to run a little bit each week but it's definitely still not recovered yet.
I think not being able to run, however painful it was to deal with, has helped put a lot in perspective for me. I could no longer use it as a crutch, which I had been doing for far too long. I suddenly had time. Lots of it. Time I could spend either a) wallowing in self-pity and moping around or b) living my life.
So, as much as I avoided it at first, I chose option b. I started doing more things with my co-workers (who I adore). I joined an online dating site to see what could come of it and have been on several dates (not sure if this is more symptomatic of my remaining post-breakup psychoses or my newfound liberating view on life, but I choose the latter). So far I've made one friend and feel a spark with someone else. I even had my first blogger "meet up" with my new friend Rachael and we're getting together again this weekend!
So where does all this leave me now?
I'm hopeful. More content, more secure within myself. I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of my job, or at the very least, messing up a little less. Or maybe I'm just being less critical of myself and not catastrophizing my missteps, which is fine too. My life's not perfect, far from it. Whose is? I still feel lost at times and sometimes that dream-like state comes creeping back in…but I'm pretty sure that's pretty typical of your early 20's. Mid-life crises are overrated. I'm pretty sure quarter-life crises are where it's at. Except no one my age has the extra cash lying around to spend on a ferrari or a spouse to divorce for someone much younger and hotter… or anything of the like to prove it… minus a few dramatized blog entries, that is.
- Do you ever feel/have you ever felt like a ghost in your own life?
- Did you mourn for anything this winter? Are you hopeful for anything this spring?
I've personally noticed your growth since the start of your blog– and that's only been through your writing so I can imagine what it's like in person! You are doing such a great thing by branching out and accepting these changes in your life instead of dwelling on them.
By the way, nice couch
Love the sofa!! Looks really nice. Glad you are happier…I see and hear it in MANY ways. You're gonna make it after all…..(mary tyler moore..are you too young to know her?)
Great post! It is interesting to notice what things in our lives we use as crutches when something bad happens. I remember after a breakup in college I POURED my heart and soul into my schoolwork and went to yoga like 5 times a week. Haha. At least I did well in school, right?
But it sounds like you took the time you needed to withdraw and sort things out for yourself, and are now ready to jump back into life! And sounds like the couch was a symbolic piece of baggage that needed to be disposed of!
You sort of bring a new meaning to "Spring Cleaning!" honestly, Im glad yo are feeling refreshed and a change of scenery (even if it is just a couch!) will hopefully help!
I have felt like that before. I went through a rough time with some family problems a few years ago and had a really rough summer and I sort of holed up and everyday was a fog. I eventually snapped out of it and things started feeling more normal agian, but it was rough there for a while!
Awe I love this post!
I am so glad you were able to overcome this emotional downhill after your breakup and it seems like you are WAY on your way to much more happiness..yay for that!! Everyone goes through a hard time and it's how you recover and stand back up is what really matters!!
Wow, winter sounds like it really was rough on you. So glad you are in a better place now. And symbolically, it's great that you even have a new couch!
I feel like I've been going through a quarter-life crisis this year. I'm trying to figure out what career path I want to take, and going through a lot of changes in my life. It's overwhelming! The good thing is, we all have to figure it out in the end, right? Everything will eventually fall into place, and I feel like Spring is a good time to make good changes!
I like your couch!
I'm so glad that you've managed to challenge your efforts into positive activities
It must have been a really tough time and I'm sorry you ended up injured from your running! All of this is never easy but personally I think you're dealing with it all pretty well 
Plus I love the new couch!
I feel a bit like I spent the last few weeks mourning the fact that my body just doesn't work properly but I think I'm coming to terms with it and I'm finally dealing with it! I'm hopeful that the spring is going to bring more enjoyment to my life – goodness knows I need it!
I'm so glad you are more hopeful now, girl! I absolutely love reading your blog because you are SO honest! Enjoy your weekend!
Glad to hear that you're starting to feel better – these things take time to heal. I love the way you put your two options for how to spend your time, and glad that you chose b)! Also I love hyacinths, they're beautiful
I just checked out POF (because of your recommendation) and wasn't too impressed. Owell. Now that the weather is warmer, seems easier to meet people in IRL