http://myxquarterxlife.wordpress.com/

I hope you'll subscribe!

Finally, an update. I'm still on the train but lately I feel like its rattling and swerving and general state of bumpiness is making me sick. I can go from feeling elated after a call from him to feeling so damn defeated and beaten down and exhausted after being let down. It’s tiring. I’m tired. I’m hanging on for dear life and my arms are about to give out.

His birthday is exactly a month before mine and for his birthday last month I made him a cake. It wasn’t just any cake – I poured my heart and soul into that thing. It was the most delicious cake I’d ever eaten.  I had followed the recipe to a T, believing perhaps that the more precise and the more perfect and the more level I measured out the flour, sugar, baking soda – that maybe he could see how much I cared for him. Maybe I could bake my way to his heart. Three hours and two grocery store trips later (I had to go back after burning the white chocolate chips in the microwave the first time) my masterpiece was complete.

He loved the cake. I think he was truly touched and surprised when he saw it in its overly decorated glory sitting in my fridge. I sent him home with the leftovers, which I’m pretty sure he ate in a week’s time.

I’m feeling more than ever lately that in this “relationship,” I’m living off of crumbs. I’m getting crumbs and he’s getting cake – literally and figuratively. And the thing about living off of crumbs is that you’re constantly starving for something – attention, reassurance, love, whatever it may be – and when you DO get something positive, whether it be a 45 minute phone call at the grocery store on a Sunday morning that makes you giddily walk back and forth down the shampoo aisle for a solid 25 minutes, or when he calls you ‘baby,’ or when he makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts – it tastes like the most delicious crumb you’ve ever eaten. But that’s only because you’re famished.

A rush of serotonin is released in your brain, much like the first bite of a piece of cake, and you suddenly forget all the doubts, the emptiness, the insatiable hunger that requires actual sustenance in order to be properly fed. You hope these crumbs originate from a freshly baked cake of his own, stashed away and waiting to come out, but when you’ve been getting crumbs for over seven months, it’s safe to assume the cake either doesn’t exist or if it does – it’s gone stale.

He's there and then he's not there. He runs hot and cold. He wants and "needs" to see me one week and then disappears for the next two – including the week leading up to my birthday (it's on Sunday). I was sure he'd want to do something this week since we're both away this weekend, but he informed me yesterday he has other plans.

Seven months of crumbs. I’m starved.

But just being around you offers me another form of relief

When the loneliness leads to bad dreams

And the bad dreams lead me to calling you

And I call you and say… “come here”

-Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes

I really enjoyed reading all of your insightful responses from my last post . It seems like most of you think I should get off the train. Sometimes I do think about getting off the train. One of the reasons is loneliness.

It may seem counterintuitive that another person can cause feelings of loneliness, when loneliness is typically associated with, well, being alone. 

But this is a different type of lonely. It’s an unfulfilled kind of loneliness. It’s a deeper lonely than one would feel with a stranger, because you’re embedded in this person and then he’s gone, and you won’t know when you’ll see him again, because in all fairness he doesn’t owe that to you (he made it clear from the beginning, after all). And yet he has pieces of you. It’s now not a matter of losing him. Will I lose those pieces of myself? Am I giving them away foolishly? Am I, at the very least, geting enough of him in return? 

The answer is no, most of the time I'm not getting enough of him in return, because if I did I wouldn’t feel a void. And I’m not saying I feel this way all the time. Obviously if I did, I wouldn’t still be on the train. But when I feel it, it’s extremely palpable, and I can’t deny what it originates from. 

A few weekends ago we took a day trip to a beach in New Hampshire. It was over an hour drive, and we had a really lovely day – we had lunch, layed on the beach, walked around holding hands, explored quaint little shops that I could've spent hours in. 

For those few hours I felt like we were together – truly together – and it felt easy, carefree, effortless. I was happy. We didn’t feel the need to fill silence in the car if there was ever a lull. We sang to lame awesome songs like “Call Me Maybe” on the radio.  We could just simply be.

Eventually, he dropped me back off and I found myself alone in my apartment. I live by myself, so I’m obviously used to being alone, and often times, prefer it. But I suddenly felt sad and I didn’t know why. It came over me almost instantaneously upon being dropped off. I was no longer just alone –I felt genuine loneliness, and I felt it penetrating deep into my core. I thought I was just being hormonal, or was tired, maybe hungry…I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. So I went for a long run.

About midway through my run I realized why I felt so sad. That moment I felt like we were truly together, that moment in which I felt I had “gotten” more of him than I was used to, that moment I finally felt I had become important enough for him to spend most of his weekend with me, was simply that: a fleeting moment and nothing more. 

Maybe whether I want a relationship or not is irrelevant. Maybe my feelings are what's relevant. And feelings don't necessarily correlate with what I want or don't want. 

How long will this be enough for me? 

When will this train run off the track?

I bought myself a Hyacinth. It's extremely fragrant!

I'm not going to lie, the winter kind of sucked. I spent the majority of it adjusting to my new job, to my new city, to my new life here, while mourning the loss of my relationship and, even more, the person I was when we were together. Because let's face it, when you're with someone for that long (okay, only 3 years, but still a large part of my adult life) you begin to define yourself in terms of who you are in the relationship. As much as you maintain your own identity, there's still a part of  you (big or small) that's defined by your significant other. It's not necessarily a bad thing — isn't it natural? "I" becomes "We" and "Me" becomes "Us". As much as you try and retain who you are in the relationship, you're going to feel slightly unstable, insecure, unsure for a little while after you break up. It's inevitable.

Going through these emotions while adjusting to living here, in my own apartment, in a new city with a new job and responsibilities was a bit overwhelming. I honestly felt like a ghost at times, not really all there, just kind of drifting in and out of consciousness. Sometimes it felt like a dream, like I had been transplanted to this new life, with the ability to wake up at any given moment and return to the familiar confines of my all-too-recent past: college, my relationship, my parent's house.

So how did I deal with these emotions? Like any rational adult would: by withdrawing, watching 3-4 chick flicks per weekend plus a Sex and the City marathon for good measure, with a bag of frozen chocolate chips, all on my insanely uncomfortable couch. I'm convinced the more uncomfortable your couch is, the more you're bound to eat on it. If it can't provide you with comfort, then snacks certainly will.

Couch of Death

Well in honor of the changing seasons and the sunnier days, I threw out my awful couch over the weekend. It was really crappy, and I should never have bought it in the first place. My ex put it together for me. The logical thing to do would have been to take it apart and then throw it out, but after buying a new one and having it delivered in a mere 24 hours, I wanted it out as soon as possible. Who knows where I got the arm strength (I'm a runner, after all) but I somehow singlehandedly dragged it out my apartment, down the hall, into the elevator and out to the dumpster by myself. If that doesn't mean I'm an empowered, self-sufficient woman, I don't know what does it means the couch was truly a poorly constructed piece of crap.

I also dealt with the breakup by running. By running a lot. I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore– literally. Running was there for me until it wasn't. I injured my calf by overdoing it with the long runs and increasing my speed and up until now I've avoided running, about a month and a half later. It is getting better and I'm even able to run a little bit each week but it's definitely still not recovered yet. 

I think not being able to run, however painful it was to deal with, has helped put a lot in perspective for me. I could no longer use it as a crutch, which I had been doing for far too long. I suddenly had time. Lots of it. Time I could spend either a) wallowing in self-pity and moping around or b) living my life.

So, as much as I avoided it at first, I chose option b. I started doing more things with my co-workers (who I adore). I joined an online dating site to see what could come of it and have been on several dates (not sure if this is more symptomatic of my remaining post-breakup psychoses or my newfound liberating view on life, but I choose the latter). So far I've made one friend  and feel a spark with someone else. I even had my first blogger "meet up" with my new friend Rachael and we're getting together again this weekend!

So where does all this leave me now?

I'm hopeful. More content, more secure within myself. I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of my job, or at the very least, messing up a little less. Or maybe I'm just being less critical of myself and not catastrophizing my missteps, which is fine too. My life's not perfect, far from it. Whose is? I still feel lost at times and sometimes that dream-like state comes creeping back in…but I'm pretty sure that's pretty typical of your early 20's. Mid-life crises are overrated. I'm pretty sure quarter-life crises are where it's at. Except no one my age has the extra cash lying around to spend on a ferrari or a spouse to divorce for someone much younger and hotter… or anything of the like to prove it… minus a few dramatized blog entries, that is.

• Do you ever feel/have you ever felt like a ghost in your own life? 
• Did you mourn for anything this winter? Are you hopeful for anything this spring?

**Random side-note: there is a Sex in the City marathon on right now on E. I must say, now that I’m officially “dating” (if you could call it that) I think I have a greater appreciation for the show and all of its anecdotes. Right now it's during the season where Carrie’s with Jack Berger. Can someone remind me why she ended up with Mr. Big? I think I liked her character the best when she was with Berger, despite the fact he was wildly insecure. Big brought out all of Carrie’s worst qualities, IMO (needy, insecure, whiny, etc). He broke her heart like 800 times and she took him back time and time again. Then he stood her up on their wedding day, but it's okay, cause she forgave him. Anyway I'll stop ranting. I could devote a whole post to this.

Let's forget the whole post-it note debacle, shall we?

Speaking of dating, are you all on the edge of your seats waiting for an update? Ha.

I mentioned here about my second encounter with CTG. Well, last Thursday night he invited me to his apartment for some movie-watching and wine-drinking. Honestly, after being let down on our second date by his overwhelming shyness, I didn’t have high expectations, but thought maybe because he was in his own environment he would be a little more open.

Umm. About that.

He was actually a little more talkative than usual, and I’ll admit I picked a really really bad movie that did not help out awkward silences (Friends with Benefits…Natalie Portman, I lost a little respect for you after that) but I think after seeing him for a third time, it just confirmed that there is no chemistry there. I got that first kiss, but I was actually mid-sentence as he went in (of course I was, because who else would have been talking other than me?) and it was just kind of bad timing to say the least.

He definitely wants to see me again, because he asked several times if I was around this weekend (I actually wasn’t – I went home for my aunt’s surprise 60^th birthday party). I’m just going to have to be honest with him. I feel badly, because he’s clearly a nice person, really nice actually, but there’s no use in beating a dead horse.

Did I mention we go to the same gym, shop at the same grocery store, and live five minutes from each other? Nice.

*****

Anywayyy… let's rewind to last Wednesday night, shall we??

Last Wednesday I met up with M. I don't want to use names on the blog and I can't think of a clever acronym/nickname for him yet, so we'll just refer to him as M. First, the conversation flowed easily and I definitely felt some chemistry with him. We got drinks and chatted for about two hours before calling it a night. I liked that he poked fun at me and I was able to give it right back to him… when I told my friend Julianne this she responded, "so you were flirtatious together?" Yes, we were definitely flirtacious (at least I thought so).

The end of the date included him walking me to my car (a big plus) and a hug. He didn't mention anything about seeing me again, but I texted him about 24 hours later thanking him  and saying that I had a good time, to which he then responded "Hey Mal so did I. Let's get together again sometime."

I honestly didn't know what to make of that. It seemed kind of vague. Based on my first two dates, who were extremely eager to see me again (maybe too eager?) I thought maybe he hadn't had as good a time as I thought, and that he just wasn't feeling it. Guys are pretty direct like that, you know?

Then he texted me on Friday night asking if I was in Worcester for the night, knowing I'd mentioned going home to CT this weekend. Ok, so I wasn't delusional, and maybe he is interested in seeing me again.

I was honestly dead tired from staying up all night on Thursday (no, not with CTG; I was fixing a stupid excel spreadsheet for work) so I told him I wasn't around but that "I'd like to get together again in the near future." The near future. The near future. Who the hell says that? I then texted him again telling him I re-read what I had sent and joked about how awkward I was.

Then my mom reassured me of how awkward I am. Thanks Mom.

Anyway, the conversation ended with him saying something like "the ball's in your court, text me when you're back." So I think that means I'm the one who's going to suggest something to do together next. I hate that. Mainly cause I'm bad at planning. I think I'm going to suggest going for a walk at a nearby park after work since the weather is supposed to be amazing this week (sunny and upper-60s). Is that horribly boring? What would you do? 

If I've learned anything at all from my 3 dates so far, it's that the first date is not what should yield anxiety. The second date is what's intimidating (especially if you like the person…and if not, what are you doing going on a second date with them?) Think about it: you've already sat with this person for about 2 hours on the first encounter, asking them all the typical first-date questions, and you leave with a pretty general overview of who they are. You know where they're from, how many siblings they have, what they majored in, where they work, what they do for fun, etc etc etc. You have a pretty standardized list of topics to cover on the first date. But the second date? It's not so "by-the-book." It's kind of a test of whether you have real chemistry with this person or whether that first date was just a perfect combination of flattering lighting and particularly strong drinks.

And now I'm rambling, so I'll leave it at that. But I feel like I have a million more updates to give you guys, on other areas of my life, and I have a bunch of post ideas that I want to write this week! I've missed you guys and your hilarious/wonderful comments!

• What would you suggest to do on a 2nd date?
• Who was your favorite on SATC: Big, Aidan, or Berger?